When Strengths Go Too Far: Why Every Virtue Needs Its Counterpart

Some leaders are brilliant—until you have to work for them.

They’re visionary… but vague.
Or caring… but can’t make a decision.
Or structured… but so controlling you start dreaming of being trapped in a spreadsheet cell.

And here’s the hard part:
Sometimes, the leader in question isn’t someone else.
It’s you.

It’s me, too.

That’s what this post is about—those moments when our strengths go just a bit too far. When the thing we’re most proud of quietly becomes the thing that holds our team back. And what to do about it once we see it.

Spoiler alert: It has everything to do with paradox.

A Young Zealot Learns to Listen

I was nineteen when I learned this lesson the hard way.

I was serving as a missionary in Texas—fired up, fully committed, what you might kindly call a “true believer” in the virtue of hard work. Missionaries work in pairs, and I had a companion I really liked. Diligent, focused, never late. We were stride-for-stride every day, knocking doors, teaching lessons, checking the boxes.

Then one morning, in our shared study time, he closed his scriptures and said:

“Elder Oates… I have a problem.”

(We called each other “Elder” instead of using first names.)

“Whenever we teach, you do your part, I do mine… and then you re-teach my part before moving on.
I feel like you don’t trust me.
Like you don’t think I’m good enough.
Like you don’t respect me.”

He wasn’t angry. Just honest.
And I was floored.

I hadn’t realized I was doing it.
But he was right.

I was so focused on my own diligence—on doing MY part—that I completely neglected the needs and dignity of my companion. I didn’t mean to take over. But I did. And it hurt someone I cared about.

It wasn’t a performance problem. It was a paradox problem.

The Truth About Strengths: They Come in Pairs

In leadership, strengths rarely stand alone.

The most powerful virtues tend to come in opposing pairs—like empathy and accountability, clarity and flexibility, structure and creativity.

These aren’t flaws to fix or contradictions to avoid. They’re paradoxes—pairs of strengths that produce good results only when held in purposeful tension.

When we lean too hard into one side and neglect the other, even our noblest efforts can produce unintended consequences.

Clarity without collaboration becomes rigidity.
Compassion without accountability becomes avoidance.
Innovation without structure becomes chaos.
 

And when we try to reduce the tension by half-doing both?
That’s when teams drift into confusion, silence, or polite disengagement.

A Better Question: What Are You Fighting For?

Most problem leaders aren’t trying to hurt their teams.
They’re trying to fight for something that matters.

But under pressure, many of us start leading from instinct or fear.
We fight against failure.
Against being wrong.
Against losing control.

That mindset tightens our grip on one strength… while another slips away.

We begin a positive shift when we reframe the question:

Not “What are you afraid of?”
But “What are you fighting for?”

This subtle move—from defensiveness to intention—transforms everything.

It moves us from scarcity to abundance.
From fear to purpose.
From reaction to leadership.

Start with a SAFE

Of course, self-awareness alone doesn’t rebalance the paradox.

What does?
Practice.
Tiny, deliberate practice.

That’s where a SAFE comes in:
A Small, Affordable, Fast Experiment.

When you're out of balance, you don’t need a complete leadership makeover.
You need one small, low-risk way to invite the neglected strength back into the room.

A few examples:

• If you tend to provide clarity by dominating the conversation (neglecting needed input),
  Try asking, “What’s your take?”—and then actually listen.
• If you tend to be flexible but fuzzy (neglecting clear direction):
  Try opening the meeting with “Here’s what success looks like.”
• If you’re relentlessly focused on results (neglecting emotional connection):
  Try ending the week with “What’s something you’re proud of—outside of work?”

Missionary me didn't need to stop working hard, I just needed to make space for my companion's contribution.

And apologize.

These moments don’t require permission, budget, or a strategy off-site.
They just require a little courage and a lot of intention.

One Last Thought Before You Go

Leadership isn’t about mastering every strength.
It’s about recognizing when you’ve overplayed one—and reaching for its counterpart.

Paradox-aware leaders don’t split the difference.
They embrace the tension.
They learn to hold both truths at once.

So if something feels off this week—whether in a conversation, a decision, or a team dynamic—try asking yourself:

• What am I fighting for?
• What might I be overusing?
• What might be missing?
• And what’s one SAFE I could try today?
  
  

You might be surprised what happens when you stop solving for control… and start leading with paradox-aware intention.